We must stop Candy Corn
We can’t let the powerful Candy Corn lobby continue to force this hellish crap on us and our children.
Every holiday has its upsides and downsides. For many people —
Christmas is a time you get to take a day or two off work, exchange gifts, and see family…but you have to deal with all the passive-aggressive “Merry Christmas” greetings from conservatives.
On the 4th of July, in the US you get to cook out and eat as many hamburgers and hotdogs (meaty or vegetarian) as you want, but you and your dog have to put up with hearing fireworks day after day for at least a week.
But with Halloween, the one undeniably negative part is candy corn. It’s everywhere, and nobody in their right mind likes it. It’s what wax would taste like if wax tasted even worse than it already does (or so I hear). Whether you’re trick-or-treating, or at the office party, there’s always a sense of dread that you’ll end up stuck with candy corn instead of some actual candy someone might actually want to eat.
Whoever invented candy corn should be locked up. But we don’t know who invented it. I don’t think that’s an accident. They’re probably in some undisclosed location as part of some horrible culinary invention witness protection program, along with whoever decided eating cheese with worms was a good idea.
Look at this blatant pro-candy corn propaganda with the leading question.
The correct answer to the question “What is the right way to eat candy corn?” is obviously “There is no right way to eat candy corn — get the fuck out of here, Candy Corn apologist!”
By the way, my guess is the candy corn kernel pictured in the poster is all bandaged up because some kid was pissed that the one house down the block was only handing out candy corn, so he stomped on it repeatedly. The candy corn certainly isn’t bandaged up because someone actually tried to bite into it to eat it.
Thank the Halloween gods that people are finally courageously speaking out against this pox on a holiday that otherwise has so much potential to be the most delicious day of the year.
As with many important issues, Ana Kasparian is leading the charge against candy corn this year.
We must all unite and pray — yes, pray: including us atheists — that there will be a day when the scourge of candy corn is nothing but a distant memory rotting away in a landfill somewhere (if it’s even capable of rotting).
